I am happy to give him oral sex, but feel disrespected when he fails to reciprocate. Does this mean the end of our relationship?

I am a 56-year-old widow. My husband died two years ago, and I am now in a long-distance relationship with a 55-year-old man. We have been dating for six months. Our sex life is really good, but he will not give me oral sex. I love pleasuring him but when he doesn’t reciprocate I feel disrespected and as if something is wrong with me. When I broached the subject, he said he wanted to wait to see if we got serious enough for marriage and that he would do it then. He says he has done it in the past without being married so I don’t understand.

I am going to stop giving him oral sex, but I’m afraid this will end our relationship. I know I need to set boundaries but I don’t know how. He is a great cuddler when we sleep and he never takes his hands off of me, which is very important to me. My late husband, who was very disrespectful to me, wasn’t really affectionate unless we were being intimate but he was always happy to give me oral sex. I see myself as a strong woman; I take care of myself and do not look my age, so I’m not sure what is wrong.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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Three treats from her new book, Baking and the Meaning of Life

The combination of pineapple, salt and tamarind was part of my childhood in Malaysia. In fruit salads and the famous Penang laksa, the mix of sweet, tangy, salty and acidic is so vibrant and distinctive that, for me, it is almost synonymous with the country of my birth and, more importantly, its incredible range of foods and flavours. Naturally, then, I wanted to recreate that in a cake. The choice of an upside-down cake was obvious when thinking about pineapple, and adding tamarind to the caramel felt an exciting addition to the flaky sea salt we all know and love. I have always been intrigued by the fact that small children, my own included, who seem so sensitive to spice in anything else, love gingerbread cookies, which have such a robust flavour profile and warm spiciness. When my boys were going for a birthday sleepover, I had the idea of translating Nigella Lawson’s chocolate Guinness cake into a ginger version, replacing the stout with ginger beer. It was a very successful experiment – the cake retains all the damp luxury of the original, with a backbite of ginger that engages intriguingly with the chocolate. The children loved it, as did the adults.

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Strawberries and cream meets Eton mess, using just a single egg white and past-its-best summer fruit – a towering success

Just a single egg white can be transformed into enough elegant meringue shards to crown more than four servings of pudding, as I discovered when, earlier this year, I was invited by Cole & Mason to come up with a recipe to mark London History Day and decided to do so by celebrating the opening of the Shard in 2012. Meringue shards make a lovely finishing touch to all kinds of desserts, from a rich trifle to an avant-garde pavlova or that timeless classic, the Eton mess. As for the leftover yolk, I have several recipes, including spaghetti carbonara (also featuring salt-cured egg yolks that make a wonderful alternative to parmesan) and brown banana curd.

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This juicy poached dish packs in hearty flavours and pairs well with buttery potatoes, rice or couscous

Al cartoccio is the Italian form of en papillote, meaning “contained” or “in paper”, which is an effective cooking method that traps the moisture (and flavour) released from the ingredients and creates a steamy poaching chamber – it’s a bit like a Turkish bath for food! Once out of the oven, but still sealed, the scented steam trapped in the paper returns to liquid and creates a brothy sauce. Fish with firm white or pink flesh that breaks into fat flakes is particularly well suited to cooking al cartoccio, both whole fish (cleaned and on the bone) and individual filets (estimate 110g-140g per person).

When choosing fish, keep in mind our collective default to cod and haddock, both members of the so-called “big five” that make up a staggering 80% of UK consumption. Instead, look out for other species, such as hake, huss or North Sea plaice, ASC-certified Scottish salmon, sea trout or farmed rainbow trout. For more detailed and updated advice, the Marine Conservation Society produces an invaluable, area-by-area good fish guide that uses a five-tiered system to rank both “best choice” and “fish to avoid” based on the species, location and fishing method. Also, don’t forget how well fish freezes, so always check the frozen food section, too.

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And why single varietals don’t do so well but blends do a roaring trade

It has come to my attention that I haven’t written a column dedicated to red wine in almost two months. So sue me – it’s been hot. Mercifully, though, temperatures look to be dropping soon, so we can once again cup the bowl of a wine glass without worrying about it getting a little warmer as its aromas unfasten.

To help us wean ourselves off sprightly rosés and buttery whites, let’s turn our heads to easy-drinking reds – and none are more easy to drink or of the moment than Portuguese red blends. These wines are uniquely indicative of the country’s winemaking history, with more than 250 native grapes (some of which have different names from region to region), but I’d wager that many of us wouldn’t be able to name many more than two of these indigenous varieties. To start with there’s the sumptuous baga, touriga nacional (widely considered to be Portugal’s fine red grape variety) and castelão, which yields a variety of styles, but that’s just a handful, and it’s very likely you’ve drunk one or all of them before.

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Today’s butter alternatives are creamier, tastier and more ethical than their 1980s predecessors, but not all spread joy …

• Which brand makes the best plant milk? I tried 10 favourites to find out

Butter has a powerful place in the culinary imagination – it’s nostalgic, indulgent and rich in flavour. I love the way it holds texture, then melts into a slice of warm toast. But is that really too much to ask from a spread, let alone a plant-based one? The truth is, I haven’t eaten margarine since the 1980s – at home, it’s always butter or extra-virgin olive oil – but spreads are hugely popular. Is it mainly the convenience? Culture? Something else?

The main benefit of a spread is that it’s firm but spreadable straight from the fridge. It ought to taste good, too, but that seems to be an afterthought for many brands, which taste of seed oils and emulsifiers. It should also have a perfect melt time, so it pools slowly and satisfyingly on your toast.

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Ease into autumn by refreshing the basics in your wardrobe and work bag. Plus: Jess Cartner-Morley’s autumn edit; back-to-school essentials; and frying pans, tested

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The French call it la rentrée. But more than panic-buying school shoes and booking emergency haircuts, early September’s “return” in France signifies a broader reset for everyone.

Not all of us are lucky enough – or French enough – to have the summer off. Regardless, there’s something in the air at this time of year, whether you’re young or old, have kids or don’t: that delicious new-pencil-case feeling. For me, it’s a welcome return to order after the freewheeling anarchy of the summer holidays, a time to re-establish routines.

Suri 2.0 electric toothbrush review: does this sustainable brush live up to the hype?

‘Melts beautifully on toast’: the best plant-based spreads, tasted and rated

The best pregnancy pillows for support and comfort, tested

Never put them in the dishwasher! How to make wooden kitchen utensils last longer

The best electric toothbrushes: prioritise your pearly whites with our expert-tested picks

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From a metal dustpan and solid shampoo to refillable deodorant and organic veg boxes, these are the eco-friendly changes readers stuck with

• 33 plastic-free kitchen alternatives

As a constant cycle of studies reveal the harm plastic does to our health – from particles found throughout our bodies to the chemicals in plastics being linked to disruptions in our sleep – it’s no wonder many of us want it eliminated from our lives.

However, after global talks on a treaty to tackle plastic pollution were left deadlocked, it’s clearer than ever that if you want to reduce your plastic consumption, it’s an issue you’ll have to tackle on your own. And many of you already are. We asked for eco-friendly swaps that have stuck, and you gave us plenty of tips: from reducing plastic in your grooming routines to savvy ways to cut down on food waste.

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