Reject the lie that a “better” body will make you happier—and learn what REAL self-care and health looks like. I was 13 when I went on my first diet. I had been struggling with my weight for about six years, and my obsession with how I looked was starting to dominate my life.
I only had two to three shirts that I felt comfortable in. The only thing that mattered was that they didn’t make me “feel fat.” Even those chosen shirts were always under my West 49 sweater, for extra coverage.
The cherry on top of this presentation was my slouched shoulders—a defense mechanism to protect against exposing my “man boobs,” the body part that had dynastic reign for being my biggest insecurity. The way I viewed my body governed my self-worth.
I felt that my body held me back from enjoying countless moments of my life, and by the ripe age of 13, I decided I was sick of it. I figured the only way I could change this purgatory was by changing my body. I started exercising three to four times a day.
For my first two meals a day, I drank a sludge of water mixed with “weight loss smoothie powder” (really just a glorified protein shake). Whenever I “cheated,” I punished myself the next day by eating even less or exercising even more.
In about 5 months, I lost 60 lbs. One third of my body weight to be exact. This was how I spent the summer transitioning from elementary school to high school. Counting calories over making memories.
To no surprise, this was met with endless praise. And it felt good. Scratch that, it felt incredible. I had experienced both sides now: One where I felt valueless because I was in a fatter body, and one where I felt accepted and prized because I was in a thinner body.
In another version of this story, I might’ve learned something from my newly widened perspective: I might’ve gained empathy, seeing the unfair stigma projected at people in larger bodies. I might’ve gained bravery, advocating for more body acceptance, regardless of someone’s size. But instead, I participated in the problem. I built up the identity of being a “former fat person” who is proof that “anybody can lose weight.”
However, as this script typically goes, over the next few years, I gained a lot of the weight back. This sent me into a depression. I felt like I had lost my value; like I had won the lottery and blew through my fortune.
That was the pattern I repeated for almost 15 years. Until I stumbled on something called “body neutrality.” For me, adopting a more body-neutral approach created a paradigm shift—it offered a way to uncouple my appearance with my happiness.
It also caused me to ask some deep questions about my body, and the kind of life I wanted. Questions like: “Do I want my self worth to be defined by my external appearance?” “Do I want to continue this cycle—and potentially pass it on to any future kids I might have?” “What would my life look like if I fought to value myself for who I am as opposed to what I look like?” My answers weren’t immediately clear.
But body neutrality created an opportunity to step off the hamster wheel of chasing aesthetic goals—and finally, truly reflect. In this article, I’ll walk you through the process of adopting a more body neutral approach to your own self image and self-care.
You’ll learn: What body neutrality is How to think about your body and your health—in a way that isn’t dependent on appearance Five actionable, body neutral strategies you can apply today—if you want to stop letting your weight, size, or shape dictate your happiness Let’s begin. What is body neutrality?
Body neutrality is a mindset that encourages you to value how your body functions and feels over how it looks. This perspective helps you develop self-acceptance, while still working to care for yourself in ways that promote overall health.
In practice, this looks like: You exercise and eat nutritiously—not because it makes you look a certain way—but because it makes you feel good. You still have treats (because life is too short to be deprived of pizza!) but you don’t eat them to excess because they don’t make you feel the best, physically.
You wear clothes and celebrate your appearance in ways that feel authentic, but how you “display” yourself isn’t the foundation of your self-worth. You don’t always love all aspects of your body, but you don’t let that stop you from enjoying your life; Improving your appearance doesn’t “earn” you the right to be happy.
You might still care about how you look, but you broaden your self-concept so it also includes your values and your inherent worthiness as a human. I value seeing friends and family. I value playing rec sports. I value new experiences.
When I’ve been heavier, I’ve neglected these things in favor of isolating myself. “I’ll do them again when I lose weight” is something I’ve uttered to myself more times than I can count. Body neutrality helped me realize I still deserved these things—no matter how I looked. Everyone can benefit from body neutrality.
Body neutrality isn’t just for people in larger, or otherwise marginalized bodies. It’s also useful for people with “ideal bodies,” who’ve been the recipients of validation and privilege because of the way they look. “I’ve worked with clients who are fairly satisfied with their appearance, but they still struggle with their body image because their self-worth relies on it,” says Shannon Beer, registered nutritionist and body image coach.
People with idealized bodies sometimes aren’t living the life they want either, because they have to exhaust their energy to maintain an image of “perfection.” (If you want to know what kind of sacrifices it takes to meet those “ideal” standards, check out: The cost of getting lean: Is it really worth the trade-off?) “The ‘meh’ is the magic.” That’s a quote from Jessi Kneeland, body neutrality coach and author of Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues, when they sat down with some PN coaches to talk about body-neutrality.
The goal with body neutrality isn’t to love your body and all of its parts all of the time. Nor is it to be so toxically positive that you ignore real—and sometimes negative—feelings about your body.
That just isn’t realistic for most people. Instead, an underrated goal is to feel sort of… meh. You’re not overly glorifying or criticizing your body; its appearance just doesn’t hold that much importance. When you’re used to hating your body, getting to neutral (or ‘meh’) can actually be hugely freeing. From there, you may learn to appreciate yourself in a deeper, less appearance-centric way. In practice, you may love certain parts about your body—but also feel ambivalent or mildly negative about other parts.
For example, you may see your stomach and feel ashamed because you don’t like what you see. This feeling is uncomfortable, but it’s not “right” or “wrong.” You just don’t want that feeling to dictate your behavior. (Such as seeing your stomach and then saying, “Alright, I’m not going out tonight,” or, “Diet starts tomorrow!”) To give you a personal example: As a dude living in North America, I feel pretty ‘meh’ about being 5’9” tall. Would I love to be 6’2”? Sure.
But I’m not 6’2”—and I can’t change that. My height won’t ruin my day and I surely won’t be depriving myself from the things I enjoy most in this life because of it. Body neutrality and aesthetic goals Some people worry that if they adopt a more body neutral approach to their health and fitness, it means they have to relinquish any desire for physical change. They also might worry that being more body neutral might make them lose certain aspects of their appearance that they like (such as muscular legs or a slim torso).
Here’s the thing: Body neutrality advocates for health. Being body neutral doesn’t mean your body can’t change. It just means your self-worth isn’t dependent on that change, and that your whole life isn’t consumed by the pursuit of a physique goal.
If you’ve been starving yourself and overexercising to the point of burnout, body neutral principles will encourage you to disengage from those extreme activities in the pursuit of a specific physique.
If you’ve been overeating and avoiding exercise because you can’t stand your body, body neutral principles will encourage you to tune into your genuine sense of care and love for yourself, and help you choose food and movement that support your body—regardless of its shape. In this sense, body
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